With the right strategies and mindset, you can not only survive but thrive. Whether your children face developmental delays, behavioral challenges, trauma responses or complex temperamental needs, creating a supportive environment requires planning, flexibility, and a great deal of self-compassion.
Successful parenting begins with recognizing that each child’s needs are distinct, whether they share similar or different diagnoses or challenges. A child with ADHD may require different interventions than their sibling with autism, while a child processing trauma may need entirely different support structures. Take time to observe and document what works for each child: their triggers, calming strategies, communication preferences, and learning styles.
Create individual profiles for each child that include their strengths, challenges, preferred activities, and effective intervention strategies. An example of this is noting whether one or both of your children like to eat breakfast alone or with others. Another would be if one prefers to be dressed before or after eating. This understanding of how each child interacts best in different situations, becomes invaluable when working with teachers, therapists, or caregivers, and helps ensure consistency across various environments.
Creating a successful environment for your special needs children begins with understanding each of their strengths and struggles. This understanding would focus on both their temperament profiles and the health or neurodevelopmental disorders each has.
Developing Structured Yet Flexible Routines
Managing multiple children with special needs means your routines must be both structured and adaptable. Establish core daily rhythms: consistent wake times, meal schedules, and bedtime routines, while building in flexibility for unexpected needs or meltdowns. This routine is essential for both them and you. If one of your children needs time to adjust to transitions, having forewarning steps in place will help. Having visual charts for the sequence of activities or demands throughout the day will also provide the child with a greater sense of security due to predictability.
Visual schedules are effective for many families, enabling children to understand what comes next while providing a framework for modification as needed. Color-code activities or use symbols that work for your children’s developmental levels. Remember that what works this month may need adjustment next month as your children grow and change.
Create tags for the visual chart that can cover specific activities, such as adding a tag for a dental appointment, rather than one that usually indicates time spent at an after-school caregiver.
These visual changes will reassure the child that their day is not going to be totally changed. It may be necessary to share the visual schedule with them several times before the appointment since the visual stays constant, while verbal reassurances may change each time the child asks, leading to anxiousness.
Creating Physical Spaces That Support Everyone
Your home environment plays a crucial role in managing multiple special needs. Consider each child’s sensory needs when arranging shared spaces, to ensure a comfortable and inclusive environment:
- Create individual spaces for decompression, offering quiet or active release options.
- Some children may need dimmer lighting while others require bright, stimulating environments. Create shaded areas in the room to allow both children to share the same space.
- Storage solutions that reduce clutter can help children with executive functioning challenges.
- Soft furnishings will benefit those with sensory processing differences.
- Executive Functioning Skills
- Knows how to start working without being told to
- Pays attention and stays focused without being reminded
- Remembers information they need to use
- Keeps track of their materials and time
- Uses problem-solving skills when things don’t go as planned
- Controls their emotions
- Shifts between demands as needed without stressing out
These skills allow children to be independent and purposeful in their daily lives. If your child struggles with some or all of these skills, learning and behavior become more challenging. The team can help your child develop these skills.
Managing Competing Needs and Sibling Dynamics
Even more than managing time and activity conflicts for families with no special needs children, being a parent to children with special needs adds to the complexity. You need to create daily, weekly, and monthly timelines of each child’s obligations, such as therapy and PT. Add to that any school, family, and community commitments.
It is essential to teach children basic coping skills that they can use independently, such as;
- Creating backup plans for common scenarios
- Establishing family signals that indicate when extra patience is needed
- Help your children understand their siblings’ needs in age-appropriate ways, fostering empathy rather than resentment.
Building and Coordinating Support Networks
Cut yourself some slack. No parent can manage multiple special needs children alone. Take some time to think about who is in your support network, and who could be. People in your network can include healthcare providers, therapists, educational professionals, family members, and other parents in similar situations. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. The people in your network are already there to help, so use them. Connect with other families facing similar challenges through support groups, online communities, or local organizations. These connections provide practical advice, emotional support, and the reassurance that you’re not alone in this journey.
Your support system can best help you by creating a shared calendar of appointments. Your support network can then know where they can be of the most help to you by:
- Volunteering to care for the other child when one has an appointment
- Offering to come with you to specific appointments, if you get overwhelmed and don’t understand or remember what was discussed or recommended
- Creating and sharing contact lists with all providers
- Helping you keep important documents easily accessible, such as with Google Docs or Dropbox, for copies of records
Consider designating specific days for different types of appointments to reduce the constant back-and-forth, and don’t hesitate to ask providers to coordinate with each other when appropriate.
Prioritizing Self-Care and Preventing Burnout
Which of these have you experienced while caring for your children?
- Physically burnt out
- Emotionally burnt out
- Mentally burnt out
- All of the above
Burnout occurs without intentional self-care strategies for most parents. This advocacy for self-care isn’t selfish; it’s essential for your family’s wellbeing. Recognize the early signs of burnout – irritability, exhaustion, feeling overwhelmed by simple tasks – and have a plan for addressing these warning signals.
Take a moment to reflect on practices, routines, and activities that have helped lower your internal stress in the past, such as;
- A morning coffee routine
- Evening walks
- Regular check-ins with friends
- Weekly respite care
Establish non-negotiable self-care practices, even if they’re small. You can’t keep your family intact if you are in pieces yourself.
Celebrating Progress and Maintaining Perspective
It’s easy to lose sight of progress and victories when you are in the middle of managing the complex daily needs of your children. Just as was recommended earlier for working with your children, have a visual – a board, a journal, etc. – to remember and celebrate the wins of your children:
- Note positive moments
- Highlight breakthroughs
- Keep track of the growth of physical, academic, and social skills
No matter how small, recognition of the positives is vital for you and your children. Remember, progress is far from linear. There can be long plateaus in some areas, while other areas will grow during that time.
There can be days that are difficult, setbacks, and times when nothing seems to be working. These events are normal. Take a moment to reflect on how far you have come. Remember that at one point, you wouldn’t have believed that you would get as far as you have. Then take a deep breath and plan out the next steps. You and your children can do it.
Spirited Suggestion : A Resource for Parents
A good resource to help you create a temperament profile is the book Raising Your Spirited Child, Fourth Edition: An Updated and Modern Edition of the Classic Parenting Guide by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Looking Forward
Successfully parenting multiple children with special needs requires patience, creativity, and tremendous strength. Developing your support network, remaining flexible enough to adapt as your children grow, and remembering that perfect parenting doesn’t exist are key. Being consistently present with love, understanding, and a willingness to learn will lead you and your children to success and help them flourish according to their unique potential.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Dr. Patricia McGuire, MD FAAP is a developmental and behavioral pediatrician who focuses on how kids grow and behave. During her 30 years as a doctor, she worked with over 3,000 children. Her main goal was to help people understand kids with special needs and help these children reach their full potential. Dr. McGuire taught parents, teachers, and professionals about three main things affecting children’s social and emotional growth: their temperament, development, and personal environment. She is the author of Never Assume: Getting to Know Children Before Labeling Them and The ADHD Student and Homework Problems. www.facebook.com/DrPatMcGuire www.helpingchallengingchildren.online
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