II arrived at our in-home speech therapy session feeling prepared. I had programmed his speech-generating device with vocabulary and phrases related to activities which I hoped to try. Since Max’s understanding exceeded his expressive language skills, augmentative and alternative communication (AAC) was going to be an important tool for giving him another avenue for communication.
Learning to use AAC is much like learning a second language. It isn’t something children simply pick up by being handed a device. It must be modeled, supported, and taught through meaningful interactions.
My therapy bag was packed with all the favorites: bubbles, Play-Doh, and Max’s personal favorite: dinosaur toys. I had a loose plan for the session. My sessions are rarely scripted, but I thought we would start by reading a book about dinosaurs, and then move on to a puzzle with a similar theme. A few pages into the book, however, it became clear that Max wanted no part of my plan. He repeatedly tried to leave the playroom where we had set up. At moments like this, there are two entirely different possible outcomes.
Option A is the way I used to practice. It’s the approach many therapists and adults still default to. I redirect Max back to the table. Then I redirect him again and again. The focus becomes getting him to comply with my agenda. Eventually, he returns to the table, but he’s not happy about it. Maybe he avoids looking at me. Maybe he pushes materials away. Maybe he throws something. Either way, the relationship between us becomes a small power struggle. We might complete the book and the puzzle, but at what cost?
Option B begins with a simple question: Why? Why doesn’t he want to be here right now?
Instead of insisting that he return to the activity I had planned, I followed his lead. Max walked out of the playroom and into the kitchen. There, he opened a cabinet and pulled out a large bowl. Then he opened a drawer, handed me a bag of popcorn, and pointed toward the microwave. He had not said a single word, but he had communicated a whole lot. He was hungry, and he wanted popcorn.
Fortunately, I had brought his AAC device with me. I quickly generated a sentence: “I want popcorn.” As the device spoke the words aloud, Max smiled at me. We made the popcorn together and carried the bowl back into the playroom.
The solution wasn’t complicated. In fact, it was far easier than spending the next thirty minutes trying to convince a hungry child to participate in activities that weren’t meeting his needs at that moment.
What happened next was even more important. Max was regulated. He felt understood. Communication had a purpose. Because someone had listened to what he was trying to communicate, he was much more available for connection and learning.
What happened with Max wasn’t a unique success story. In many ways, it illustrates a shift that is happening across therapy, education, and parenting. More and more professionals are recognizing that meaningful growth rarely happens through compliance alone. Instead, it grows out of trust, connection, and understanding.
What Research and Clinical Experience Have Taught Me
Decades of developmental research have consistently shown that children’s learning is profoundly influenced by their sense of safety, emotional regulation, and the quality of their relationships with trusted adults (National Scientific Council on the Developing Child, 2004/2009). In my years as a pediatric speech-language pathologist, I’ve found that this research aligns closely with what I see every day in clinical practice.
Children, like all humans, have basic needs that must be met before learning can happen. At a minimum, they need to feel safe, understood, and regulated.
Think about yourself for a moment. If you’ve had a stressful day at work, two children are demanding different things, and a pot is about to boil over on the stove, are you going to sit down and focus on an interesting podcast someone recommended? Probably not.
Now imagine a different scenario. You are on your way home from a calm day at work. Traffic is light. You have a hot cup of coffee in your travel mug and twenty quiet minutes ahead of you. Suddenly that podcast sounds much more appealing.
Children are no different. A hungry, tired, overwhelmed, or anxious child is not in a state where learning is likely to occur. Before we place demands or expectations on children, we must first consider whether they have what they need to feel regulated and secure.
With therapists, teachers, and parents, regulation is often closely tied to trust. Children are remarkably perceptive. They know when adults are genuinely interested in connecting with them and when adults are focused primarily on getting them to comply.
This is why I often spend my first sessions following a child’s lead rather than pushing my own agenda. If they want to run and jump, I join them. If they love dinosaurs, I learn about dinosaurs. If they want to show me every train in their collection, I become the most attentive audience.
This isn’t simply rapport-building. It’s relationship-building. Research shows that responsive, relationship-based interactions support children’s communication and language development (Roberts & Kaiser, 2011). In my experience, relationships are what make learning possible.
Most speech therapists are organized, prepared, and eager to help children make progress. Those qualities are valuable. But sometimes the most effective thing we can do is put our carefully crafted plans on hold and lean into what a child is interested in or needing at that moment.
When children are engaged in activities they have chosen with a trusted communication partner, the language we model is often far more meaningful and much more likely to “stick” than language practiced in activities they never wanted to do in the first place.
Practical Ways to Prioritize Connection
When working with families, I often encourage them to:
- Get curious before correcting.
- Ask themselves what a behavior might be communicating.
- Join a child's play before directing it.
- Follow the child’s interests, even if they seem unusual.
- Focus on connection during difficult moments, rather than immediately demanding compliance.
- Remember that regulation often comes before learning.
These shifts may seem small, but they can dramatically change the way a child experiences communication, relationships, and learning.
To be clear, connection over compliance does not mean there are no boundaries. Children deserve safe and consistent limits. If a child is engaging in something unsafe, I intervene. If someone is about to get hurt, I step in. Connection is not the absence of expectations. Rather, it is the belief that relationships are more effective than power struggles when helping children learn and grow.
For newer therapists especially, this approach can feel uncomfortable. Many worry that following a child’s lead looks too much like “just playing.” I’ve heard therapists ask, “What if parents don’t think I’m doing anything?”
In my experience, the opposite is usually true. Parents spend much of their lives watching others misunderstand their child, dismiss their communication attempts, or focus exclusively on correcting behaviors. When they see an adult truly listening, responding, and building a relationship, they recognize the value immediately.
What Connection Looks Like in Everyday Life
One of the simplest ways to prioritize connection is to follow a child’s interests.
Autistic children, in particular, often develop deep passions for specific topics. Speech-language pathologist and author Dr. Barry Prizant refers to these as “enthusiasms” in his book Uniquely Human.
Years ago, these interests were often viewed as obstacles. Professionals frequently referred to them as “restricted interests” and encouraged adults to redirect children away from them after only a few conversational turns.
Today, many of us see these interests differently. Enthusiasms are often the doorway to connection. They provide opportunities for conversation, shared attention, problem-solving, storytelling, and genuine joy. Rather than pulling children away from what interests them, I often use those interests as the foundation for communication and learning.
Another strategy I encourage parents and therapists to adopt is simple: get curious.
When a child does something unexpected or challenging, ask yourself one question: Why?
Too often we focus on stopping a behavior before we understand what caused it. Yet behavior is frequently communication. A child may be hungry, overwhelmed, confused, tired, frustrated, or seeking connection.
As Max demonstrated that day in the kitchen, the message often becomes clear when we take the time to listen.
I often think back to that afternoon with Max. Had I focused solely on getting him back to the table, we probably would have finished the dinosaur book and puzzle. On paper, the session might even have looked successful. Instead, Max taught me something far more important. He reminded me that communication isn’t limited to spoken words. Children are constantly telling us what they need, what they enjoy, what they are feeling, and what matters to them.
Our job isn’t simply to teach children how to communicate. It is also to become better listeners.
Everything changes when we stop asking, “How can I get this child to do what I want?” and start asking, “What is this child trying to tell me?” Connection isn’t a reward that comes after compliance.
Connection is what makes growth possible in the first place.
References
National Scientific Council on the Developing Child. (2004/2009). Young children develop in an environment of relationships (Working Paper No. 1). Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University.
Prizant, B. M. (2015). Uniquely human: A different way of seeing autism. Simon & Schuster.
Roberts, M. Y., & Kaiser, A. P. (2011). The effectiveness of parent-implemented language interventions: A meta-analysis. American Journal of Speech-Language Pathology, 20(3), 180–199.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Gina Schumann, MA-CCC/SLP is a licensed pediatric speech-language pathologist. She is the founder of Small Talk Speech Therapy, LLC, specializing in customized and family-centered in-home speech therapy for children in and around the Columbus, Ohio area. Website: www.smalltalkst.com
Read the article here.